Well, it’s my day off and I can’t sleep so I’ve decided to write out what’s on my mind as of late, mainly going to focus on one subject as I’ve got time to talk about the other stuff in other posts. 

Just a heads up I will be talking about a certain body part about myself, so if you don’t want to know about that, this post isn’t for you, hence why this time is rather blunt.

If you are ok with that, continue. I am okay sharing this as a way of giving some understanding of what someone likes me go through, even though everyone is different and won’t really go through the same as me. 

Originally this was supposed to be a post about my recent appointment about surgery but that’s been delayed by a week so I’m sharing this post instead. 

When I started my transition a few years ago, I would have thought the whole surgery thought wouldn’t come til way later, but time works in mysterious ways and here we are. 

I have had these thoughts since I was like 13/14 around 2003/2004 that I felt different to everyone else in my year as I really didn’t know anyone going through the same thing, I only had some girls in my year to embarrassingly ask about stuff like “What’s it like being a girl?” along with other questions that I cringe at the thought of nowadays and the internet which had my internet history end up with results such as feminisation & crossdressing because I really didn’t know what to search. 

I think that really twisted my thoughts a lot, especially because I was going through puberty and the hormones were getting the best of me. This made my first “hormonal experience” get caused by the thought of getting changed by someone to becoming a girl because that’s what I wanted to be but didn’t know how to do it. This had a side effect of having me think being a girl was being about clothes, makeup & boys for such a long time until my adult years and that was wrong. 

At times I really didn’t imagine the thing in-between my legs weren’t what it was supposed to be, at times I really wished it was what girls had so used pads to hide the sight of it while I dressed up in secret a lot of the times and other times when the thought of dressing up got too much of a high off me, it helped me not get any stains anyway. I know it’s not it’s intended purpose; I wasn’t going to cut myself down there to get the use of it as I don’t like the thought of self-harming. 

After I finished school and moved onto college, I tried my best to be the male I was supposed to be from stopping crossdressing for a few years, getting myself a girlfriend (be it very brief and how I dealt with the break-up is something I regret, wasted so many years trying to get her back which I cringe thinking about nowadays) and used my “growth” for its intended purpose like any teen/young man would do but after a while it just didn’t feel right and went back to old habits. 

Maybe I went back to my old ways as my hormones weren’t getting the best of me anymore or things at home have changed e.g. my parents divorcing, and I took my mum’s side on the whole thing.  

This could have been the time I started to respect the women in my life a lot more? Maybe it was the traumatic experience of a close friend’s death after college?  

To this day I still don’t know the catalyst of what made me go back but it often goes back to the 2 things mentioned in the previous paragraph, it made me be more open with myself e.g. more open to friends but maybe I was too open with my thoughts as I think I shared too much as I didn’t know what was ok to share and was not. 

This was the time I got my first proper job at a luggage department in Debenhams where I worked for a few years, had a series of other jobs before ending up at a certain supermarket bakery where I am now. 

I tried my best to hide my feminine thoughts and desires again and hid them for work, even though occasionally these did spill out at work e.g. when I was Debenhams there were days, I wore a bit of makeup or did my nails be it briefly.  

I decided I had enough of these really confusing thoughts, going back and forth between male and female desires as I was developing a Jekyll and Hyde personality change at times and decided to be open with my family again after briefly saying before but family then said it was a phase, after having this talk again years later dismissed that and they suggested going to the doctor. 

This whole Jekyll and Hyde thing I had going on sometimes I thought my growth as it’s intended male genitalia while other times I wished it was some weird growth I had because I really wished I had what women had inbetween their legs. A lot of women over the years have told me about periods & stuff like saying that “Oh you wouldn’t want that” and to be honest I would, because I can at least understand some of what the women in my life go through (before you say, I know some women can’t due to medical reasons etc so just saying in general) as despite everything, I respect women more than men.

Before you say, I know surgery won’t let me have periods due to some obvious missing body parts that my body doesn’t have but at least it would look the same but more about this later, back to what was talk about.

After a week later of booking a appointment, The doctor heard me and talked to me about Gender Dysphoria and a place in Daventry called Gender Services which I was able to get referred to but would take a few years to hear from as the list to be seen was quite long. 

There is more to this tale, but I believe I have talked enough already that I can split this into 2 parts. 

So, with that, thanks for reading & see you in part 2.  

Megan 

P.s. I know the image for this post has nothing to do with the subject but didn’t know what else to use, I wasn’t going to take a picture of myself pointing at my crotch.