Just a heads up that this post goes into triggering subjects such as suicide and stuff related to sex while talking about why I want to transition etc.

I went into the last blog post about change can be scary, even if you are changing for good reasons, you will still get those scary thoughts hovering around your head!

I’m changing so much on the outside, but what about the inside?

There is so much thinking that I have put into how people see me & how I should act if I want people to treat me as Megan instead of Matthew.

Purely because I’m going against a lot of what I’ve done for the past 30+ years as a biological man, as they say Rome wasn’t build in a day. But I want to do this because I want to achieve further happiness, so this requires a lot of effort.

All of this does take damage on my mental health, even it’s my choice to do so.

It feels like I’m a new actor learning a new role & it’s taking me awhile to learn the lines. I am like actors such as Joaquin Phoenix a method actor so I’m taking it seriously.

I do doubt myself an awful lot, especially now because I am going to change my passport (which I keep on delaying, just need to get my picture taken, everything else is filled out) from Matthew to Megan. This is the last official document minus my birth certificate that has got Matthew on it, everything else I have changed so it’s been making me think “are you 100% certain you want to do this?”

I have been thinking about my life up to this point because of it & I have decided it is because I am the happiest, I have been in years. But the shadow of doubt & regret will always linger over me because will always happen with big changes and this one I can’t really come back from.

When I tried to become Megan all the way back when I was young (or Cassie as I wanted to be called at the time) I first thought of my feminine side as like a split personality, such as Jekyll and Hyde as it felt wrong to do it at first.

I wasn’t really allowed to show Megan/Cassie as my mum just thought it was some weird phase of my life, I didn’t really hang out with friends outside of school that I could talk about as I didn’t want to ruin the very small friendship circle I had at the time & I didn’t know anyone who was going through something similar.

So, I only kept it to myself & a few “friends” at school (which backfired on me as explained in a previous post, but I did learn some valuable experience). It made me think like what I was doing was wrong but made me happy at the same time.

It wasn’t til late six form/college that I was given a bit more freedom with my female personality etc I could buy my own clothes and makeup, I had friends that I could hang out outside of college, but this came at a bad time.

This was someone important in my life that I will hold off giving the history of as it’s not really relevant & I don’t want to bring up bad memories that I’ve got locked up in the back of my heart.

In short, he was my best friend, I loved him more than my actual brother, but he ended up backstabbing me (to a lot of people close to him, he was good, was good to me at first but he just had to ruin it). This really got me depressed, being Megan/Cassie in my life helped me a lot to get away from the problems that “Matthew” had, this unlocked something in me so when I felt down that I left my other side of myself take over.

This “discovery” in me helped me after college, when someone from my school days messaged me “Oh have you heard about HIM?”, that’s when I found out he committed suicide.

I originally was going to explain this in a way that didn’t have me saying the S word, but it must be said.

This truly broke me, only saving grace was since college I made new close friends such as the one I brought up in this blog post (they are still close to me now even 14/15 years later & for that I’m so grateful) & crossdressing as Megan helped take my mind off things.

It took many years to find a place for “him” in my heart & move on.

This resulted me thinking about two things.

First is that I never want to self-harm or copy what he did to himself as I never want to affect those close to me never ever with that decision. They are currently have me going against the gender I was born as, which they are taking awhile to copy & deal with. I would be evil to add depression/sadness to that.

Second, was Megan just a coping mechanism in my head to escape depression, was it just crossdressing kink to make myself happy when I am alone as some sort of sexual pleasure or was it more than that?

At the time of this post, I am 33 years old I am a virgin, I have only done something close to sex with a girl as Matthew and vice versa with a guy as Megan. I won’t be telling the truth if I said I never had any sexual pleasure while I crossdressing during my teen years, maybe it was my subconscious telling me something as these experiences always ended up moaning to myself “oh I want to be a girl” or “I don’t want to be a guy anymore, can someone make me a girl?” instead of something normal.

I had to think long & hard about this for years, while Megan was there to help me through that depressing arc of my life so far, she has been there since school which started off as curiosity then I realised I am Megan.

I like to think it would be unhealthy to continue combining my “two lives” switching between Matthew and Megan as that line that I kept switching over was slowly fading anyway.

My heart is still Matthew, always will be but I’m realising “that” side of me that I’ve been hiding for years for nearly 20 years is the true me, she has been there for me in the dark times, and I want to embrace it, I don’t need to hide it anymore.

I mentioned about doubt and regret earlier, to repeat myself what I said, the shadow of that will always linger over me as I could have picked so many different routes in my life so far but I have picked this and I am determined to stick to it

Thanks for reading

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