Change is a scary progress for some

Here I am changing so much of my life for a variety of reasons (further happiness can be picked as one of the reason), does it scare me?

Of course it does!

It wouldn’t be normal to not feel a bit scared even a tiny bit, but I’m going through these changes because I want to and on my terms so that helps a lot, its not like a fictional plot in an anime/manga that I’ve just woken up as the other gender (eg Until it becomes me as I talked about in my previous post, which you can find here), then that would be scary like “oh my god my thingy has gone, oh my god what the hell am I going to do?!”.

This November, it will be 4 years since I made my first big change, in this case it will was publicly changing my name from Matt to Megan, this has came with some regret that has lingered with me til this day.

That being the name, Megan.

I never consulted my family before filling out the deed poll form and sending it off. Not like it’s something important…oh wait it is, I am disregarding the name my parents thought for me in 1990 to something different. My family will always love me obviously but they won’t say the name they call me Margaret instead but if it helps them get along with my change I will bear it, its like I am Voldermort from Harry Potter haha. I believe this is a curse of my transition.

But I am sticking with it, I know I am selfish, heck this whole transition is my selfish decision, the name Megan wasn’t even my first name I had for my female persona eg Cassie was one I had when I was in school. I won’t go into the origins of my new name despite me being open about everything else, I like to keep that a story between family and friends & it isn’t because of a certain royal which some may think.

Coming out as trans ( I really hate giving myself a label, I really do but for the sake of things I have to say it, I am just a happier me) was just a big enough change as the name change was. Such as switching from mens to womens changing rooms at work, it took myself and everyone at work to get used to the change but ok now. At first I was a bit embarassed going to the toilet so I started off using the disabled toilets right next to it til i was a bit more confident, all because I didn’t want to cause any issue.

I confess it still to this day makes me nervous of speaking while in there, yes they know it’s me if I speak on how I been speaking for nearly 30 years but it has given so much motivated to do well with my speech modification therapy, which I have been waiting nearly 6 years to be seen about. This has been another change that been scary at first but I need to do well. Yes, all of this for a sake on doing well with a few words to say while in a women’s changing room but obviously going to use it with everything else to.

I often don’t think before I speak, so I often talk a lot of random rubbish to friends and family so with the changes with my voice training it has got me changing how I speak as it’s a skill that is just small for now but it just be natural for me in the future. It has got me to take my time to speak but this is trying to break a habit I’ve had for years, I’ve often mumbled since being more sociable so this might help cut that down to so the change isn’t so scary for me as it will help with my confidence too.

Quick thing about toilets and change, as you know how a woman and man goes are a bit different depending on their needs at the time eg standing or sitting, I am trying to break another 30+ habit that is very hard to break, sure I can do it like a woman at work without thinking about it. But when it comes to home, if I am lazy I go like a man, it bugs me when i do it because I’ve always done it like that but I will break this habit and it will be a weird but personal victory for me. Sorry if this was a bit too much to say but this has been a frustration I have had in my head.

You would think I would be trying to dress super girly when I started transition, but nope. To help with my family get along with me better with my transition, I dress a bit tom-boyish. Instead of jeans, I go with leggings or jeggings nowadays as it has become an everyday clothing item alongside a cool t-shirt. It’s been 4 years coming out as Megan but I have rarely worn a dress or blouse, not like I don’t want to but I don’t want to go over the top with my family at home and in the past my fashion has been rather funky.

Take this picture of me as Matt above, I don’t like boring stuff, I wanted to translate that into funky blouses and that as Megan for when I go out for whatever reason or for a special occasion but it makes me look like an old woman. It’s taken me awhile to get the correct fashionable look, still looking for it haha.

Shock at first with my family seeing my leggings and lingerie in the wash but it’s just “normal” nowadays, just have to make sure me and my mum don’t get our stuff mixed up, I am sure my mum wasn’t expecting this when when she gave birth to a baby boy 33 years haha.

I have been very understanding for the past few years and family have let down their guard so to speak, so next month I am planning on looking into some blouses and some dresses (a normal black dress, a summer dress and going out dress so a mixture of safe and funky) to see how they react, but more about that when it happens.

The 3 big changes in my life that I count very important are

1. Coming out as Megan
2. Changing my passport to Megan
3. Surgery

Passport and surgery are something that been on my life since I’ve came out, I need to change my passport before the end of the year for my trip to Japan next year eg to book the flight. I’ve done 1 so far, no.2 has got me thinking a lot about what I have done to this point and if it’s right.

To that, I say yes as I’m the happiness I have been, yes the hormones have me a bit bitchy at times and changed on how I feel about certain people in my life but i was expecting this.

There is 2 ways of changing your gender on your passport, I have 1 way via an important letter which I send alongside a form that I have got filled out (just need my picture taken which for some reason i am nervous about despite the fact I like changing selfies etc).

Sending the passport form with the letter and everything else is confirming my change, it scared me at first like “am I really sure I want to go through this?” but to repeat what i said a few paragraphs ago, I say yes.

I’ve got to the point that people are treating me female, which is great, why am i bring this up?

Because this has got bring the 3rd big change closer than I thought, that being surgery. The thought of surgery has kind of scared me but it’s a goal I have had on my mind since 13, only recently it’s got me thinking about it because I feel wrong having the “thing” that makes me Matt while being Megan.

I will go more into the passport change and surgery more at a later time, because I think I’ve said enough and there is somethings I want to do first before going into those subjects more.

I just wanted to go into my recent changes that has given me a shock, but I have got good intentions at heart and if I think that, it makes those worries go away.

If you have any questions, comment below.

Megan