Megan Leyman

Hello all to the last of the change posts for the time being.  

This post will have me being brutally honest with myself, not going to like it one bit, but I must accept some form of reality. 

The truth can f*cking hurt, but I must admit it. 

The truth that loams over me is, that no matter I want to be female, I still got the male body and face. 

It’s a mask and skin that I can’t take off but just adapt with*

I want surgery to change the thing that makes me a man but it’s only going to look a bit like what a female has got, but it won’t be the same. I just be a mere copy of a woman. 

But I still want to go through the change.

It’s not many of the stories I have read in manga or watched in anime, that I will wake up getting some transgendered disease or have a wish granted by some god. 

No, I was born in this male body with this tons of fat on its belly, a male Gentelia that I don’t really like but must use and the face of my dad with his cheeky grin that I was sooooooooooo lucky to get from him. 

I hate how I look in the mirror when I get out of the shower or get changed, I hate what I see. I am trying to change eg going to gym and wearing false breasts but it’s just taking time. 

So, in the meantime, I go into some dream that I just look like a girl wearing jeggings and a cute top or whatever I am wearing. But I am someone with a guys body wearing such things, trying to be one. 

I like to say my spirit is female but the rest of me isn’t**

It’s why i want to change. I want the body that in some form matches the spirit I’ve got.

I must deal with what I’ve got til I change, be it with hormones, surgery or many hours of the gym. 

I would say I blame God for this, but I don’t like to think that I believe in a higher power.  

If such a thing exists, I would be in the body I want, someone who was close to me would be alive and a certain person in my life would have karma biting him on the arse. 

But I am not, that someone is dead and that certain person, while he is by himself now, but he hasn’t got what he deserves yet. 

Also, this higher power must be testing me, over the past 4 years so far, sometimes the hormones I need to use sell out due to a manufacture issue. Ok this isn’t really a trans related problem more women who have HRT issues but, someone trans like me uses them to get the needed amount of estrogen in my body.  

On a happier note, despite my male body, I do get treated how I want by most people in my life who treat me as female. I know it must such a small thing such as getting Meg at work or saying I am one of the girls, but it makes me happy; it gives me confirmation of what I am doing is right in my mind. 

I am extremely lucky compared to most trans women, that I honestly very rarely get taken the piss taken out of me in public. Because nowadays, people really don’t take what you do unless you give them a reason such if I wore a pink frilly dress everywhere shouting “i’m a lady”, then i would get the piss taken out of me, god even i would take the piss out myself doing it.

I have lost some weight, but I need to lose more, I get to a point where I do well at the gym but then work gets busy and I just want to rest, so then I must repeat the cycle again of trying to get back to the gym. 

It’s why I have put so much on my plate now, such as going back to Japan in the next year, by the time this post goes live I would have spoken to my doctor at Gender Services regarding surgery and looking into management at work.  

Just things I can do to keep myself busy and focused, so I don’t just get lazy, if I get really lazy, I won’t change, and I really want that change. 

I can’t be truly happy without trying to do something about my current situation. 

I need to remember I’ve got family and friends who love me regardless of what I do, that gives me comfort and support even though they will always just see me as Matthew in weird get-ups, but I accept that. I can’t erase my birth and years previous at Matthew. 

I have the regret that I wasn’t able to be open with myself as Megan when I was in school (it’s why i love the Wandering Son manga so much, similiar to my life but the character came out years before I did), if I did it then instead of many years later, maybe I would change a lot more now. 

But I can’t bend reality, so my past was more what I wanted such as I can’t bend reality, so customers stop calling me sir at work. It’s my choice to make this transition at this point in my life so I will do the best I can do, with what I have been given such my speech modification that I went into this post here.

I am 33 at the time of my post, I lost years of possibility of being Megan, I am not getting any older. Some might say I am wasting years of my life on changing on what I got given but I don’t like what I got given and I don’t want to die later on in my life with the regret of not trying to find happiness.

I need to accept the truth and my current situation more, but I must push forward, I see that further happiness in the distance. 

I just need to continue on.

Believe it or not, I am actually happy with myself despite all I was honest with above. 

With that, thanks for reading. 

Megan 

*I know I can get surgery to change my face, but you get the point.

** originally was going to say spirit and heart is female but I have stated already in a previous post that my heart will always be of Matt and not of Megan, which I might be wrong about as I like to say the heart is making me the think the things I am doing eg transitioning is right. Oh I don’t know. I am arguing about two sides of myself so it really doesn’t matter either way at the end of the day.