Megan Leyman

Well hello everybody, originally this blog post was going to talk about obsessions and how obsessions you have change over the years but it kind of developed into my transitioning (puberty will be talked about to) so just want to give you, a heads up before reading.

The thing is, that I like to obsessive about certain things, as a way of keeping myself getting bored.
I’ve been like this since childhood as far as I remember, when u used to play with lego as a way of having imaginary transformers in my bedroom as I liked my alone time back then.
This randomly changed into obsessing what girls used eg make-up and clothing even how they dealt with puberty eg hygiene products as it was the age I was growing up with them and the Internet in the early 2000s at home wasn’t good to searching things like that especially when the whole family were using it. This truly got my attention as I didn’t like the changes I was going through.

I know it’s weird, but I wanted to understand what they were going through as I never really noticed girls so much til then (it was like playing with lego with my eyes just that on that, then girls just appearing out of nowhere at school) , to the point (I know this such a cliché) that I tried feminine hygiene products and makeup as trying to get into that mind-set. But I could only go off what only a few girls that I could speak to about it would tell me, looking back on it I asked the wrong girls as they laughed at times at my expense but it was experience into that sort of stuff but had experiences that I won’t forget such as having makeovers done, one at my house and another at school.
Asking girls secretly for makeup and other stuff (clothing and still hygiene products such as pads which I wore as a way of hiding my bulge when I dressed up at home or around friends among other reasons) carried onto all the way up to college when I had the confidence to buy it myself without being too ashamed with myself.

Of course my mum caught me crossdressing and the feminine stuff I had stored hidden in my bedroom, this happened when I kept my bedroom a mess and she wanted it clean and organise. Even now she says a woman should have their room tidy, maybe if I did it then she might have noticed more about what I wanted to go through. Out of everything it was the hygiene products that I was the most embarrassed about my mum finding, as she explained that what a woman goes through every month is a pain and why on earth her son would have some in their room.
I confess looking back on all of this, I went through wanting to know more about what a woman went through the wrong way, as you can’t define a woman on makeup, clothing and talking about boys alone, as an old work colleague messaged me having a go at me saying I was taking the piss, her words are in my mind even to this day.
I still wanted to understand what a woman goes through, I find my male body repulsive at times, maybe because I haven’t done anything “close” with a man or a woman that involved using my body to make them happy but really that doesn’t really matter to me.
Ultimately all of what I’ve gone up to now in my weird way of doing it, has made me want to become Megan more and less of Matt. I can’t really explain why I’m going through this whole transition progress to change how I speak, act and even stand but I’m the happiest I’ve been in years.
But if I had to explain, I would have to say I respect what a female goes through such as my mum who helped raise me and my brother during my teenage years as I never really counted my dad as a role model. Not saying my mum is the main reason for all this, but can say she is one of many women in my life that I saw to look up to.
I know before some people say down below “oh you don’t want to be a woman” among other comments and even if I go through surgery I won’t have periods that girls soooo like having every month among other things but I want to be at least a “tribute” not a parody of a woman.

I’ve got the point in my transition that people are treating me female at work or with friends, but it feels like what I’ve got I between my legs should go, it makes me feel wrong having it now, not having it so much I’m going to take a pair of scissors to it because 1) it could seriously go wrong for me and 2) I rather be patient to have surgery.

I just want to say, I just count myself as “megan”, you can have your own meaning of what Megan is to you, as I hate all the labels people want to give other people as its just confusing.
Please ask down below any questions as you can see I’m very open about myself, I’m mainly blogging about this as way of helping someone in my situation (be it a bit different to how I’ve done it) to say you aren’t alone feeling wrong in the body you’ve got etc.

With that, thanks for reading.
Megan